In case you ever wondered, moose are about the most mellow drunks you can find. The wildest shenanigan they would get up to is probably trying to climb a tree, succeeding, and then not understanding why descending is such a difficult task.
That’s exactly what happened to a moose who got hammered off of fermented apples in Göteberg, Sweden on Tuesday. Per Johannson, the resident who discovered the drunken moose, and the police had to saw off the tree branches to extricate the moose, who promptly went off to hunker down in a neighbouring garden – presumably to stare glassy-eyed at some rhubarb and wonder about their connection to immortality. It’s apparently still sprawled there as of yesterday.
At times like these, don’t you just wish you can find out what is going through that moose’s mind during its state of inebriation? Maybe it’s just me. But if there is some way to communicate in moose speech and I were able to get an interview with that juiced-up moose, it may go something like this:
ME: “Uh…hi there, Moose! My name’s Winluck Wong and I’d like to have a chat with you because our readers would like to gain a better insight into your view of the world. Is this a good time?”
MOOSE: “Rhubarb…you’re – “
ME: “I’m sorry, what – “
MOOSE: “Rhu…I gotta see – “
ME: “What – oh, you want me to – “
MOOSE: “Yeah.”
ME: “You want me to – “
MOOSE: “Yeah.”
ME: “Um…okay, I’m sorry, do you mean you want me to leave so you can check your schedule or something first or…”
MOOSE: “Rhubarb.”
ME: “Pardon me?”
MOOSE: “You’re standin’ in…”
ME: “I’m standing in…oh, I see, you want me to move to the side because – “
MOOSE: “Yeah.”
ME: “Because I’m in the – “
MOOSE: “Yeah.”
ME: “Right, I’m just going to move. So…is this a good time?”
MOOSE: “Yep.”
ME: “Alright! Let’s get started then. Just so you know, I’m turning on this recorder right now for the interview so I can make sure I don’t miss anything later on.”
MOOSE: “‘Kay.”
ME: “Well, Moose, you discovered fermented apples. Would you describe what went through your mind when you ate the first one?”
MOOSE: “Wasn’t juicy like I usually like ‘em. Kinda soft and chewy. But it’s got this taste…um…I just – I just wanted more, man.”
ME: “How many do you think you ended up eating?”
MOOSE: “Oh…like 23, I think. No, no, it was – it was more like 22-and-a-half ’cause one of ‘em had this…um…gross-ass worm stickin’ out of it. It was nasty, man. Worms creep me out.”
ME: “Ugh, tell me about it. So what was the first thing you saw after eating the apples?”
MOOSE: “The moon, man, the moon. It’s so beautiful, but the clouds were just standin’ in front of it like they’re hot shit. I’m like, ‘What? Looks like these cloud-mofos need a good moose-whippin’.’ So I was gonna cut ‘em up with my antlers, but I think they were too far away or somethin’. Then I saw a squirrel and I flipped out – “
ME: “Wait, but what about the clouds?”
MOOSE: “Screw the clouds, man – I saw a goddamn squirrel!”
ME: “Okay, never mind. Go on.”
MOOSE: “So I saw this squirrel and I flipped out. Why the hell can they climb up any tree like they own it, huh? I mean, who do they think they are? My grandpa trampled one of them suckas once. True story, man. They should be watchin’ their backs when I’m in the woods. I got bad-ass killa in my blood.”
ME: “I see. And this squirrel just climbed up that tree willy-nilly?”
MOOSE: “Willy-nilly without a backward glance at me! I was pissed, let me tell ya. I’m like, “Hey man, don’t make me come after you.” You know what he did right after?”
ME: “No, I don’t.”
MOOSE: “You wanna know?”
ME: “I do, yes.”
MOOSE: “That bastard flipped his tail at me! That’s right, he did. Flipped his wild, unkempt tail straight at me.”
ME: “Ooh – that’s a bad thing, right?”
MOOSE: “Damn right it is!”
ME: “So was that when you decided to climb the tree?”
MOOSE: “Yeah, man – I’m not gonna let some punk-ass squirrel show me up. I just went for it.”
ME: “But how did you get up there though? Because as I understand it, moose weren’t designed to be tree-climbers.”
MOOSE: “Wasn’t too hard, actually. Hey, man, can you tilt that rhubarb leaf a little closer to me? I wanna lick the dew on it.”
ME: “Uh…alright, here you go. How’s that?”
MOOSE: “Perfect. Tastes good. You should try it.”
ME: “Great, maybe later. So how did you get up that tree?”
MOOSE: “Easy. I sorta leaned on the tree with my front hooves and then inched ‘em up to one of the sturdy lower limbs of the tree. Then I hopped on my hind legs until my front legs were hooked on the tree limb. When my hind legs got close enough, I kicked off at the tree trunk and kept at it until I could rest my belly up on the limb.”
ME: “Wow, that’s fascinating and, I must say, quite a remarkable feat.”
MOOSE: “Yeah, my grandpa trampled a squirrel once, you know. Our family can do anythin’.”
ME: “I’ll bet. What happened next? Did you catch the squirrel?”
MOOSE: “Rhubarb.”
ME: “What?”
MOOSE: “You’re standin’ in the – “
ME: “Oh right, sorry. I forgot to move after I got that dew for you.”
MOOSE: “It’s cool, man.”
ME: “So you got up on that tree. What then?”
MOOSE: “Squirrel ran away. Probably realized who he was really dealin’ with. Did I tell you I got bad-ass killa in my blood?”
ME: “Yes, I remember that. What happened next?”
MOOSE: “Well, that’s when I found out I got myself stuck good, wasn’t it?”
ME: “Oh. Right…um…and you couldn’t do what you did to get up there backwards then?”
MOOSE: “Hell no! You think I’m crazy, man?”
ME: “No, I just – never mind. What were your thoughts while you were waiting for rescue?”
MOOSE: “I don’t know…it was kinda surreal, man. The clouds finally booked it, by the way. I think it’s probably ’cause I was closer to ‘em at that point and they decided to smarten up. So I was just hangin’. Me and the beautiful moon. We talked.”
ME: “What about?”
MOOSE: “Lotsa stuff. We talked about why it’s so beautiful. We talked about my headache – ’cause a huge one started buildin’ up in my skull. We also talked about rhubarb. I love rhubarb and when she said she never had any before, I was like, ‘Oh, I’m so gonna get you some when I get down from here.’ Then I got rescued.”
ME: “And here you are in a rhubarb garden. But it’s been days now. Why are you still sitting here?”
MOOSE: “I still have this frickin’ headache, man. I keep losin’ my balance every time I stand up so I thought I’d better just lay low for a bit. Plus, the rhubarb’s not quite ready yet. Once me and the rhubarb are good to go, we’re outta here and headin’ for the moon.”
ME: “Alright. Well, Moose, it’s been a pleasure chatting with you.”
MOOSE: “No prob, man. Give my thanks to the rescuers for me. Peace.”
That, folks, was the world in the eyes of a drunken moose. So maybe it wasn’t as mellow as I thought it would be. It has some anger issues to work out, but really, who doesn’t?
I think moose are pretty cool and I hope you do as well after this.
