The Best Carpool Request
There have been many instances in my life when I was pretty sure I singlehandedly destroyed all credibility that humans are the dominant species on Earth, intelligence-wise. Really, how many times do I have to lock my keys in my car or forget to plug it in before I realize that it is generally a bad idea? No, I cannot answer that question because I should probably save what precious few brain cells I have. Anyway, as you may have guessed, some of my idiocy revolves around my car.
I remember one time when my brain struck a new low and discovered a deep vein of stupid and I found myself without use of a car for the weekend. I desperately needed a ride, but at the same time, desperately needed to downplay my pathetic brain-cell count amongst my peers because I was certainly not lacking in ego. Plus, I obviously had a lot of time on my hands and so proceeded to crafting a masterpiece of a carpool request.
It starts and ends with a self-deprecating tone – to elicit emotions of extreme pity from the reader – which sandwiches a delicious centre of strange humour that suggests I may be a fun carpool passenger:
Hi:
Due to unforeseen circumstances and for various reasons, most of which involve my own stupidity, I now do not have a car for this weekend.
In light of this unfortunate development, I would like to seek a kind offer from someone to provide my poor, vehicular-challenged self with a space in their mode of transport. My preference would be something with an engine (e.g. car, van, truck, motorcycle, or helicopter), but seeing as I am quite desperate at the moment, I would leap at the prospect of engine-less travel as well. This may include the following:
- Tandem bicycle
- Hang-glider (two-person or if one-person, include safety harness and enough rope to ensure I am completely strapped to every contour of your body – for aerodynamic reasons)
- Superhuman speed sprinting (no ropes necessary as this may impede your limbs – I can piggy-back and hang on for dear life)
- Cross-dimensional travel
- Teleportation
So if you are able, I would be ever so grateful if you can pick me up at _________ and transport me back there afterward.
Thank you in advance for your assistance!
I await with bated breath for your reply.
Nervously,
[Your Name]
Granted, I received a mixed flurry of responses. Some gave me a thumbs-up approval for the message (but did not offer to give me a ride). Some said, “WTF? Get a life, dude.” A few others replied with the curt message of “TL;DR”. But lo and behold, there were some who were so moved by my message that they saved a seat just for me in their ride.
I urge you to use the above message as a template for your future carpool requests. It may come across as totally unnecessary, but I guarantee that the entertainment you get from reading people’s responses would make you temporarily forget your moment of idiocy.
I love it!