Night-Write 6
You know that scene in Spiderman where Peter Parker wakes up, puts on his glasses, and takes them off when he suddenly realizes his eyesight is worse with them on for some weird reason? That’s what happened to me today. It’s frickin’ bizarre. As we speak, my glasses are folded-up next to the laptop, looking rather lonely and out-of-place. That’s not to say that I have amazing eyesight right now – I still have to squint. But it’d definitely be worse if I tried to put my glasses out of their misery and put them on. Maybe this means my eyes are miraculously getting better. Or maybe I’m turning into Spiderman.
If I were to travel back in time and transform into a dinosaur, I’d probably be a pterodactyl. When a pterodactyl is in its element, soaring upon thermal updrafts in the air, it feels wholly comfortable and can even dare say it is graceful. But when it is forced to come back down to earth out of necessity, it is awkward beyond hope – madly scrabbling along the ground with its oddly folded wings yearning to be unfurled. When its ground business is done at last, such a soothing serenity spreads to its very wingtips that even its strange hop-skip-run to launch itself back into the air somehow seems a little less clumsy. Still rather ungainly, mind you – but only until the moment it finally gets the chance to extend to its fullest wingspan. It fits me.
There are some people who have this strange notion rattling around in their thick skulls that the best way to receive good customer service is to ream the staff out. What a fantastic idea! Hey lady, allow me to go out of my way to treat you like royalty while you pierce my eardrums with your banshee shriek. What’s that? You don’t care about our staff – the foundation of our entire company? Hmm. Well, maybe that means I shouldn’t have to care about your needs, eh? Yeah. ‘Kay, thanks bye.
I finally got around to getting a Bluetooth earpiece. I never liked wearing them because if people don’t make the effort to crane their necks to see if there’s one in my ear, it looks like I’m talking to myself. And we don’t want that – the scary men in white coats will come after me with their big needles. But since the authorities are cracking down harder on driving under the influence of cell phone chattiness, I thought it’d be a good idea to get one. I probably look like a douchebag wearing one though. “There goes that guy, ready to take his gazillion calls ’cause he’s so goddamn busy.” Yeah, not really…although I do sometimes like to play that illusion up for the heck of it. But seriously, I just don’t need any more demerits to call my driver’s license home – my insurance bills are high enough already. And anyway, I only wear it when I’m driving. So I’ll only look like a douchebag at a stop light or a school zone.
My jacket locked me out of my car last week. Yeah see, my jacket has this A.I. chip implanted to give it a mind of its own. And it’s a really powerful one too because it has telepathic abilities. Okay, so this is what went down: I parked my car and after turning the engine off, I automatically put the keys in my jacket pocket. That’s normal so far. I then looked out the window and decided that it’s really not that cold – it was only -6 °C. This was when my jacket took over. It telepathically inserted a thought in my mind to suggest taking off the jacket since it’s not that cold outside anyway. My mind was helpless under its influence and without a second thought, immediately obliged. So I took my jacket off, opened the door, pushed the “Lock” button, and slammed the door shut behind me before realizing what’s happening. I swear I heard my jacket cackling inside. And that’s that. It totally was not me being an idiot at all – it was my jacket being this horrible, evil…thing.
Someone asked me yesterday what a “seductive smile” is supposed to look like. I cast about for some descriptive words, but came up with nothing. I tried to imagine what it’d look like. Just when I almost had it, it twisted into a lecherous sneer in my mind and I lost it again. Not wanting to give off a wrong impression of lewdness, I decided against demonstrating it to her. Then I realized she was still looking expectantly at me, but she had such pretty eyes that my brain naturally shut down completely. In the end, I just shrugged. Now that was definitely me being an idiot.
G’night!
