Dear Santa,
How are you? I know this letter may come as a shock because it’s been awhile since I’d written you. Gosh, when was the last time? My memory’s a bit hazy, but I think it was the evening of November 18, 1993.
I was walking home from school that day and I was pretty sure I saw one of those Putties from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers scampering down an alley. As you know, Putties are nasty little buggers, hell-bent on destroying Earth and must be eliminated when spotted. So when I got home, I immediately sat down to write you a request for my very own Power Morpher, which would give me the abilities to “take care” of that Putty. I sent off the letter and spent every day for the next few weeks checking the mailbox for your reply. Nothing came from the North Pole though.
When Christmas Eve rolled around, I thought, “Well, maybe Santa didn’t reply because he wanted to surprise me with the Power Morpher on Christmas Day.” On the morning of Christmas Day, I discovered that you got me a sweater. It was a couple sizes too large – presumably so that I could grow into it. That was very thoughtful of you, Santa. Thank you.
But an oversized sweater is a far cry from a Power Morpher though. I was – I hope you can understand – quite distraught because that Putty was probably still running around somewhere, Earth was bound to be destroyed soon, and the only way to save the world was with a Power Morpher, but all I had was this stupid sweater that doesn’t have any special powers except making me itch like crazy.
Anyway, I stopped writing to you since then. For the longest time, I admit that I was convinced you are secretly an evil villain and possibly not even human. However, years passed and I moved on, eventually forgetting your existence along with my deep resentment of you. It wasn’t until a couple weeks ago when I saw a creepy replica of you on the sidewalk in front of a furniture store that I thought of you again.
So, here I am…um…hi. Things are so different now after my last letter to you. I now realize how silly it was for me to have hated your guts for so long. I’m taller now – not by a lot though so don’t expect me to tower over you or anything. I breezed through elementary school and went to high school with an inflated ego because I was the best of the best at playing “Cops and Robbers” during recess. But I quickly discovered that I wasn’t really cut out to be a high school jock. I got glasses and then pimples soon after and that was it for me for the rest of my high school career. I went to college to prepare for the real world and had a revelation at a nearby pub that vodka is the bane of my existence. Rye whiskey, on the other hand, is excellent – it complements my existence very nicely.
The world’s changed quite a bit, too. Your home/workshop has gotten a little smaller – you’re losing ice shelves left, right, and centre. I’m sorry to hear that. Global warming’s a bitch, but if you debate about it enough, you’d come across as a really progressive human. We’ve got planes crashing into towers, wars being waged against intangible things like “Terror” itself, flu bugs going on a killing rampage, and greedy bastards gobbling up everything and shitting out messed-up economies.
It’s a mad world we live in these days and things have gotten so out of hand lately that I decided to turn to you for help once again. I realize you probably get “world peace” as a Christmas wish a lot so I’ll make this request of mine short and sweet.
Over the years, there’s this thing called the “Internet” that has developed into a massive and instantaneous information network stretching across the entire world. If you poke around the Internet long enough, you’d find some really neat stuff. For instance, did you know that there are actually replicas of Power Morphers that exist out there? That’s right, I now know that you could’ve gotten me a Power Morpher when I politely asked for it back in 1993. Maybe if you had given me one, I could’ve hunted down that Putty’s sorry-ass and the world would’ve been a better place than it is now.
So, this is all your fault, Santa. Oh, now you’re feeling guilty? Well, give me my fucking Power Morpher – with Velociraptor powers since the Pink Ranger stole my favourite dinosaur – before I invest all my time and energy into destroying you and your motherfuckin’ elves. You don’t want to mess with me because, as you may have guessed, I hang on to grudges for a very, very long time.
Sincerely,
Winluck
Posted in Humour, People, Politics, World
Tags: Humour, People, Politics, World
